Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
