I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
