I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
