you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
