I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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