Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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