I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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