i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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