I heard we made out
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
