fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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