I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
