don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
