Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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