that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
