hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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