Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
