onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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