our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
