ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
