im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
