Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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