What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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