I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
