I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
