If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
