So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize