Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
