You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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