I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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