I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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