If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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