I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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