what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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