I puked a lego.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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