someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
