On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
