Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
