yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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