I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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