I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
