Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
