We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize