I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
