I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
