I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
