My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
