I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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