I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
