I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
