I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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