I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
