I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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