3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I could make wine with my vomit
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize