Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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