fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
