i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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