i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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