I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize