im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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