When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
