She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
