Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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