some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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