So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
