Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
