She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
