so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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