Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
