remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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