I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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