Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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